Department Of The Cannily Observant Runner
Dateline: last Thursday, 12:35 pm,; walking to the Manzanita Post Office to mail a couple of letters. A jogger runs past me and gasps what sounds like, “Like the purple.” [1] I reflexively thank him, although I’m not really sure what he is referring…. Then I get a load of what moiself is wearing: a black t shirt under a purple long-sleeved shirt; purple pants, purple jacket, purple shoulder bag; purple hat….
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Department Of Perhaps I Should’ve Rephrase That
Dateline #2: Sunday evening ;7 pm-ish; driving back from Rock Creek Tavern, where MH and I had enjoyed our usual date night (for their Sunday Irish Music night)…which turned out to be somewhat less enjoyable than usual because, for the first time either of us can recall, the scheduled musical act did not show up.
MH is driving; moiself is making a mental inventory of the unused items from our weekly CSA produce share, thinking of how I might use them for the next day’s dinner. I have a few ideas, and ask MH if he has any preferences:
“So, what would you like to see me do with the broccoli tomorrow?
And don’t be rude….”
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Department Of I Don’t Do This Intentionally…
…but moiself’s mind just goes there.
Dateline #3: Monday;10 am; the beginning of yoga class. The yoga teacher asks us yogis to set an intention [2] for the class. She offers these words for us to silently repeat to ourselves several times during the class, synchronizing it with our inhalations and exhalations:
(Inhale) I am here.
(Exhale) l Here I am
Here is what moiself’s mind silently repeated instead:
(Inhale) I am Sam.
(Exhale) Sam I am.
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Department Of Autumnal References
Sub-Department Of Time for The Clear Fingernail Polish
Harbingers of the Fall: cooler, crisp morning temps; geese flying south in V-formations; hot apple cider; crunchy maple leaves underfoot; pumpkin-spiced everything; the fingernail on my right pinkie splitting…
Yeah, about the latter omen:
My sister N, who was three years old, was playing chase with her 18-month-old sister [3] (moiself). When it was moiself’s turn to chase my sister, N fled into the bathroom. N slammed the bathroom door and locked it, failing to realize, despite my ensuing, bone-chilling shrieks, that I had reached out to N at the last minute, and that my right little finger from the top joint up was crushed between the door and the door jamb.
Our parents convinced N to unlock the door. They rushed me to the doctor, who examined my pulverized pinkie and pronounced, “It’ll probably need to be amputated.” He took a second and third look, then mused, “Well, maybe….”
In a Nobel-Prize-worthy moment of medical inspiration, the doctor reached for his miracle salve (Vaseline), dabbed it on the top of my smooshed finger, and wrapped the damaged digit with gauze. Doc advised my parents to keep the bandaged finger dry – no peeking! – and return in two weeks, or sooner if the finger started to smell like last year’s ham sandwich. [4]
Two weeks later, at the unveiling, the tip of my finger had partially re-formed itself, and was thus spared its date with the guillotine.
So: I grew up with a funny finger. While admittedly un-decorative in appearance, it is largely functional.
Besides my pinky’s misshapen profile, its Fun Finger Facts include the following, most of which are true:
- teeny sub-dermal bone fragments are palpable on the underside of the finger.
- the fingernail grows cleft from the nail bed to the edge, with the split running bottom to top in the left side of the nail, and curving down at the edge. The fingernail’s growth is self-limiting; it tends to disintegrate (for lack of a better term) at a certain length, and split on the left side.
( See that little bit of split fingernail, on the left, jutting upward?
- the tip of the finger, from the second joint up, has reduced sensation (as compared to that of other fingers) and is prone to bouts of numbness.
- during one such numbness bout I discovered that Icould stick a pin in the top of that finger, sans pain. Besides giving me that certain, je ne sais quoi cachet among eighth graders, this ability proved to be a helpful form of pest control. Waving my impaled pinkie was an effective gross-out/shoo-away to a certain cheerleader-type who’d attempted to make me feel self-conscious several times by loudly broadcasting, “Ew, what’s wrong with your finger?! That is SO DISGUSTING!” in the classroom and at the lunch tables.
- There is no fifth Fun Finger Fact.
- The tip of the finger is an effective dowser implement, and twitches when in the proximity of an underground water supply. [5]
The Fun Finger Fact #2 is the subject of the omen of fall. During the decreasing humidity of autumn, the fingernail gets more dry/brittle and split. The first time moiself notices it doing so I start applying several (at least three) coast of clear fingernail polish to the nail a couple of times per week, which helps hold the cracked nail together.
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Department of Employee Of The Month
It’s that time, to bestow that prestigious award upon moiself. Again. The need for which I wrote about here. [6]
* * *
Freethinkers’ Thought Of The Week [7]
Ten Reasons Why Beer is Better Than God
10. No one will kill you for not drinking Beer.
9. Beer doesn’t tell you how to have sex.
8. “In the name of Beer…” has never caused a major war.
7. Adults don’t force Beer on minors who can’t think for themselves
6. When you have a Beer, you don’t knock on people’s doors trying to give it away.
5. Nobody’s ever been burned at the stake, hanged or tortured over his brand of Beer
4. You don’t have to wait 2000+ years for a second Beer.
3. There are laws saying Beer labels can’t lie to you.
2. You can prove you have a Beer.
1. If you’ve devoted your life to Beer, there are groups to help you stop. [8]
* * *
May you discoveryour own Dr. Seuss-inspired exercise mantra;
May you have a stranger compliment your color choices;
May you know what you’d like to see done with the broccoli;
…and may the hijinks ensue.
Thanks for stopping by. Au Vendredi!
* * *
[1] Not many other words that rhyme with urple, which was the last word he said.
[2] In yoga practice, to “set an intention” is to choose a focus or attitude for your practice to ground you in the present (instead of, say, like working out at a gym with a future goal in mind – e.g., “I’m gonna lose five pounds/tone those abdominals”). Variations of “I am here, now,” are commonly used intentions to help your mind focus when you are feeling busy or distracted.
[3] I’ve no memory of this incident – for which I’m grateful – only the finger to remind me
[4] Not his exact phrasing, but you get the idea.
[5] This is such a lie. Please don’t tell me if you fell for it.
[6] Several years ago, MH received a particularly glowing performance review from his workplace. As happy as I was for him when he shared the news, it left me with a certain melancholy I couldn’t quite peg. Until I did.
One of the many “things” about being a writer (or any occupation working freelance at/from home) is that although you avoid the petty bureaucratic policies, bungling bosses, mean girls’ and boys’ cliques, office politics, and other irritations inherent in going to a workplace, you also lack the camaraderie and other social perks that come with being surrounded by your fellow homo sapiens. No one praises me for fixing the paper jam in the copy machine, or thanks me for staying late and helping the new guy with a special project, or otherwise says, Good on you, sister. Once I realized the source of the left-out feelings, I came up with a small way to lighten them.
[7] “free-think-er n. A person who forms opinions about religion on the basis of reason, independently of tradition, authority, or established belief. Freethinkers include atheists, agnostics and rationalists. No one can be a freethinker who demands conformity to a bible, creed, or messiah. To the freethinker, revelation and faith are invalid, and orthodoxy is no guarantee of truth.” Definition courtesy of the Freedom From Religion Foundation, ffrf.org
[8] Moiself’s compilation, adapted from many, many sources, including the FFRF Freethought Today’s “The Top Ten Reasons Why Beer is Better Than Jesus”
