I hope y’all had/are having a Merry Happy FestivusChristmukkuh , however you acknowledge (or spell) your favorite holiday celebrations.
This week I received two early bird publication notifications. Translation: due to the mysteries of publishers’ scheduling, stories that were slated for publication in 2014 instead just made it in 2013: My story “Souvenir” is featured in the December/Winter 2013 edition of Hospital Drive and “Requiem” is in the Voices From the Porch anthology.
K is home from college on semester break until MLK day. All four of us (MH, Belle, K and moiself) carried on with our tradition of having Christmas Day lunch at Jake’s Grill, after which we walk (or waddle, depending on the Jake’s menu) to Powell’s Books. Another if sporadic Christmas Day tradition is going out to a movie, which we fulfilled by catching the last matinee  showing of Frozen.
There is much to like about the latest Disney Princess Movie ® (insert appropriate groan- gasp), aside from the stunning animation, memorable songs and several genuinely funny sidekick/comic relief characters. 
viewer-approved sidekick Olaf
Belle and I talked afterward, about how refreshing it was to see an animated (or any kind of) movie that featured than one main female character (gasp again), and also to find that finding a prince for the princess was not the main plot point…and how pathetic it is that we have to consider those things “refreshing.”
Mere words cannot describe how much I love that quote. Really elaborate ones might help, but I’m trying to savor one of my favorite times of the year – the span between Christmas
and New Year’s –
and it would require too much concentration to get all sesquipedalian on y’all.
Instead, I’ll let the quote-generator herself, Geena Davis, actor and founder of the Institute on Gender in Media, do the talking. Best known for her role as Thelma and Louise‘s avenging assault victim, Davis is a righteous warrior when it comes to battling inequality in her chosen field. Thelma Davis takes aim at gender disparity in the movies in her recent guest column in the Hollywood reporter, Two Easy Steps to Make Hollywood Less Sexist.
The basics are that for every one female-speaking character in family-rated films (G, PG and PG-13), there are roughly three male characters; that crowd and group scenes in these films — live-action and animated — contain only 17 percent female characters; and that the ratio of male-female characters has been exactly the same since 1946. Throw in the hypersexualization of many of the female characters that are there, even in G-rated movies, and their lack of occupations and aspirations and you get the picture.
It wasn’t the lack of female lead characters that first struck me about family films. We all know that’s been the case for ages… It was the dearth of female characters in the worlds of the stories — the fact that the fictitious villages and jungles and kingdoms and interplanetary civilizations were nearly bereft of female population — that hit me over the head. This being the case, we are in effect enculturating kids from the very beginning to see women and girls as not taking up half of the space.
Moiself has long thought Hollywood  has a bit of what I call an Islamist sensibility when it comes to simple gender demographic representation. Watch a “crowd scene” filmed in an Islamist country, whether it’s a documentary on daily life or a breaking news clip of a demonstration outside of an embassy. What you will see is a sea of male faces. Where are the women? Somebody with lady parts had to make all those bearded boys. Oh, wait – what’s that? A moving, mummified column? Could be a female, but it’s hard to tell under all that casing. We know they are there but they are cloistered, whether mentally and emotionally inside the home as well as literally when they are “allowed” outside. They are…infrastructure.
* * *
But I digress.
On to a new segment I call
Happy New Year – and you do know it’s gonna be 2014, right?
A special Welcome to the nineteenth Century – whoops, that should be twenty-first, where did the time go? – to those Wacky Elders of the LDS. Yes, the Mormon church, always Johnny-on-the-spot re human rights, has come out as no longer being officially racist, with their declaration (way back in 2013) that dark skin is no longer a sign of god’s curse.
It will be interesting to see if, in the coming year, the continuation of the church’s “I’m a Mormon” print and media ads,  will bring about the revision if not the elimination of other LDS whackadoodle other beliefs, including:
1. The American continent was originally settled by ancient near easterners.
2. Native Americans are descendants of ancient Israelites.
3. The Book of Mormon  is an historically accurate work, translated by Joseph Smith from gold plates buried by the prophet Moroni.
4. The Osmond Family – now, that’s entertainment!
mouthfuls of enormous, white teeth are a sign of god’s favor
* * *
New Year’s and Resolutions Ruminations
* Youth is when you’re allowed to stay up late on New Year’s Eve. Middle age is when you’re forced to. (Bill Vaughan)
* New Year’s Day… now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual. (Mark Twain)
* Happiness is too many things these days for anyone to wish it on anyone lightly. So let’s just wish each other a bile-less New Year and leave it at that. (Judith Crist)
* I can’t believe it’s been year since I didn’t become a better person. (Anonymous)
* The Christian resolution to find the world ugly and bad has made the world ugly and bad. ( Friedrich Nietzsche)
* Those who break New Year’s resolutions are weaklings. Those who make them are fools. (Anonymous)
The only New Year’s Resolution I’ve successfully kept was the one I made way back in the 1980’s, which was to not make New Year’s Resolutions. But that was so…well…80’s.  Perhaps it’s time to give it another try.
In 2014 I resolve to:
1. stop making lists B. be more consistent 9. remember to count F. never again use the word “Osmond” (at least in public)
Whatever you resolve, may you leave ample room for the hijinks to ensue.
Thanks for stopping by. Au Vendredi!
 Also a tradition: see the movie at the cheaper show times.
 Such characters are difficult to pull off, and often trip over the line between amusing and obnoxious. Jar-jar Binks, anyone?
 Meaning the film industry, whether it’s a blockbuster filmed in the actual So Cal soundstage or an indie on the streets of Portland or Austin….
 The LDA-s million dollar pr campaign a multi-million dollar marketing campaign about “ordinary Americans who are also ordinary Mormons.”
 The LDS hold scripture, not the musical. Although there is more rational evidence for the historical accuracy of the musical.
 Are you picturing harem pants for men, Valleygirl mallrat side ponytails and Miami Vice designer stubble? You know you want to.
Awesome friend LLL celebrated her graduation from CU by making a trip to Oregon. LLL left the Pacific NW for Denver ten years ago, and her Oregon friends have been clamoring for her return ever since. Her visit coincided with my birthday, thus her stay with us was a celebration times two.
Speaking of my birthday, it was mostly good, thanks for pretending to care (dramatic sigh). The day started off with a congratulatory email from my sister RAV, which included a preemptory warning : “Having some regrets about the card I impulsively sent…you’ll see.” I did see, or rather, heard. It was a belching birthday card. I don’t know why my baby sister would think it might not be the classiest thing to send, considering that she knows I keep this on my google version of speed dial:
But I digress. LLL was able to join us for my family birthday dinner at one of my favorite Portland restaurants. Plus, due to LLL’s B.M. (“Blonde Moment”);. i.e., what may go down in family lore as The Unfortunate Incident with the Kettle…
Attentive, intellectually-gifted readers of this blog  may recall LLL as having been previously and memorably featured in my post of post of June 28, wherein I imaginatively if profanely slagged coolly scolded LLL’s festering turd of a husband for the underhanded, craven, scrotum-shriveling manner in which he dumped her.
I am happy to report that, with the support of kind friends, a whip-smart attorney and her own strength of character, LLL successfully survived the Douchebag Husband-ectomy . It warmed the cockles of my heart…
Heart cockles pix unavailable, but this winsome Scottish lass could use some warming.
…to see that LLL is not only surviving but thriving, and looking forward to what the New Year will bring.
* * *
Before the New Year comes Christmas, which provides a convenient segue to my annual forthright, sincere, family-friendly,
The Reverend Increase Mather of Boston observed in 1687 that “the early Christians who first observed the Nativity on December 25 did not do so thinking that Christ was born in that Month, but because the Heathens’ Saturnalia was at that time kept in Rome, and they were willing to have those Pagan Holidays metamorphosed into Christian ones.” Because of its known pagan origin, Christmas was banned by the Puritans, and its observance was illegal in Massachusetts until 1681.
“Do you celebrate Christmas?”
Heretics/apostates non-Christians happy heathens often hear this question at this time of year. The inquiry is sometimes presented in ways that imply our celebration (or even acknowledgement) of Christmas is hypocritical. This implication is the epitome of cheek, when you consider the fact that it is the early Christians who stole a festival from our humanist (pagan) forebears, and not the other way around.
Who doesn’t like a party/celebration, for any reason? And really, we who are religion-free don’t mind sharing seasonal celebrations with any religious folk– sans the superstition and government/church mumbo-jumbo — as long as they accept the fact that the ways we all celebrate this ‘festive season’ predate Christianity by hundreds of years.
The fir boughs and wreaths, the Yule log, plum pudding, gift exchanges, the feasting, the holly and the ivy and the evergreen tree….It is hard to think of a “Christmas tradition” that does not originate from Teutonic (German),Viking, Celtic and Druid paganism.  A celebration in the depths of winter, at the time when, to those living in the Northern Hemisphere, the sun appears to stop its southerly descent before gradually ascending north, is a natural instinct. For thousands of years our Northern Hemisphere ancestors greeted the “reason for the season” – the winter solstice – with festivals of light and gift exchanges and parties. The Winter Solstice was noted and celebrated long before the Roman Jesus groupies pinched the party.
But, isn’t “Jesus is the reason for the season?
The reason for the season? Cool story, bro. Since you asked; actually, axial tilt is the reason for the season. For all seasons.
And Woden is the reason the middle of the week is named Wednesday. My calling Wednesday “Wednesday” doesn’t mean I celebrate, worship or “believe in” Woden. I don’t insist on renaming either Christmas, or Wednesday.
“Go find the sheisskopf who took the Woden out of Woden’s Day!”
The Winter Solstice is the day with the shortest amount of sunlight, and the longest night. In the northern hemisphere it falls on what we now mark as December 21 or 22. However, it took place on December 25th at the time when the Julian calendar was used.  The early Romans celebrated the Saturnalia on the Solstice, holding days of feasting and gift exchanges in honor of their god Saturn. (Other major deities whose birthdays were celebrated on or about the week of December 25  included Horis, Huitzilopochtli, Isis, Mithras, Marduk, Osiris, Serapis and Sol.) The Celebration of the Saturnalia was too popular with the Roman pagans for the new Christian church to outlaw it, so the new church renamed the day and reassigned meanings to the traditions. 
In other words, why are some folk concerned with keeping “the Christ in Christmas”  when we should be keeping the Saturn in Saturnalia?
Whatever your favorite seasonal celebrations may be, I wish you all the best. Let the fruitcake-free holiday hijinks ensue.
Thanks for stopping by. Au Vendredi!
 You really do need to plug in an electric kettle; it is not stove-top-friendly.
 Unfortunately, this vital procedure is not yet covered by the ACA.
 Increase Mather, A Testimony against Several Prophane and Superstitious Customs, Now Practiced by Some in New England (London, 1687). See also Stephen Nissenbaum, The Battle for Christmas: A Cultural History of America’s Most Cherished Holiday, New York: Vintage Books, 1997.
 Stephen Nissenbaum, The Battle for Christmas: A Cultural History of America’s Most Cherished Holiday.
 “Learn not the way of the heathen…their customs are vain, for one cuts a tree out of the forest…they deck it with silver and gold…” Jeremiah 10:2-5
 Wednesday comes from the Old English Wōdnesdæg, the day of the Germanic god Wodan (aka Odin, highest god in Norse mythology and a big cheese god of the Anglo-Saxons until the seventh century.
 The Julian calendar, adopted by Julius Caesar ~ 46 B.C.E., was off by 11 min/year, and when the Gregorian calendar was established by Pope – wait for it – Gregory, the solstice was established on 12/22.
 In 601 A.D., Pope Gregory I issued a now famous edict to his missionaries regarding wooing potential converts: don’t banish peoples’ customs, incorporate them. If the locals venerate a tree, don’t cut it down; rather, consecrate the tree to JC and allow its continued worship.
 And nothing in the various conflicting biblical references to the birth of JC has the nativity occurring in wintertime.
My annual Ladies Lefse Party was this past Wednesday. I’ve been hosting the LLPs on the second Wednesday in December for…a long time. LAH, SCM and daughter P, Belle, JWW and I had a grand time, and SCM graciously left behind her homemade pumpkin whole wheat soy milk cranberry biscotti  to torture me the following morning. Stalwart attendees SS, RB and JR were not able to attend this year, due to pressing other engagements, respectively, a son’s band concert, jury duty, and a husband’s laparoscopic cholecystectomy .  Besides her joi de vivre and take-no-prisoners wit, JR is known for her festive, self-made millinery, which was much missed – my Bieber Meets Santa Pez creation of a few years back was a poor stand-in.
While cleaning up after the party I was reminded of the late  great, dear friend and neighbor Glenda Jones. Seventeen years ago, back in The Old Neighborhood (Jackson School Neighborhood of Hillsboro), Glenda had been tickled pickled beet pink when I brought lefse to one of her parties. Being of Norski stock herself Glenda expressed something akin to shame at never having made lefse, and asked me for detailed written instructions, which I gladly provided. A few weeks later, I received a frantic/embarrassed phone call from Glenda one Saturday night:
“I’m following your instructions exactly….and…uh… there’s flour ALL OVER the kitchen.”
I assured Glenda she must be doing it right.
Here is a copy of the party invitation, just so y’all won’t feel left out. Even though you were.
* * *
Mark your calendars and set your e-minders: Here comes the second Wednesday in December…. Which this year, 2013, falls on December 11. Yes, there are only 20 days remaining
ntil 2014 rears its nagging head and demands you account for the past 365 days.
Notable events on past December 11s include:
*1688: James II of England abdicated the throne by throwing the Great Seal of the Realm into the River Thames (my guess is the great seal smelled like lutefisk.). * 1941: Germany and Italy declare war on the United States, following the U.S.A.’s declaration of war on Japan (the Ladies’ Lefse Lovers Society’s “Make Lefse, not War” slogan was for naught in those troubled times.) * 1962: Convicted murderer Arthur Lucas is the last person to be executed in Canada (in an unusual punitive snit, prison officials denied Lucas’ last meal request for lefse).
Royal peeves; war, execution…let’s redeem December 11. Hold on to your fruitcakes; it’s time for the annual
Ladies Lefse Party Wednesday December 11, 2012, 6:30 pm
As always, your high-minded hosts will provide lefse preparing accoutrements and serve lefse and Norwegian meatcakes for supper, in a festive, Gangnam style-free environment.
Ladies hosting: -Robyn Parnell & Belle
Ladies Likely to make an appearance: – why, you, of course
Ladies Unlikely to make an appearance (but we can dream, can’t we?): – Lady Marmalade
♫ Gitchi Gitchi ya ya lefse…♫
* * *
In an interview with Parade magazine, producer-writer-comic-actor Mindy Kaling made a brilliant point about the assumptions we make about women. “I always get asked, ‘Where do you get your confidence?’ I think people are well meaning, but it’s pretty insulting. Because what it means to me is, ‘You, Mindy Kaling, have all the trappings of a very marginalized person. You’re not skinny, you’re not white, you’re a woman. Why on earth would you feel like you’re worth anything?'”
(The 28 Most Iconic Feminist Moments of 2013, Moment #8) 
Favorite albums; best song parody; the year’s tops in food, art, journalism, political boners, drone strikes – it’s that time of the year, when pundits both significant and who-the-F-is-that –worthy trot out their Best of The Year ® lists.
Monday I made a visit to Forest Grove Community School, where the 5th & 6th grade students are using The Mighty Quinn for their block of study on realistic fiction. I spent two class periods with them, first with the 6th graders and then the 5th graders. I read a brief TMQ excerpt as an example of revealing character via dialog, did a Q & A session, and met individually with students to hear their writing samples and banter about story ideas. The kids were delightful, and one of the best school groups I’ve ever visited.
I got a kick out of observing the students’ interactions (from the back of the class, before the teacher introduced me. (Yep, I was lurking). What a difference a year makes. The 6th graders were obviously conscious of how they might “look” to their peers when asking a question or offering a comment. Their Q & A concerns focused on their struggles with their own writing assignments. The 5th graders were energetic, unbounded and out there – oneboy shrieked with delight and threw me a high five when I was introduced as the author of the book they’d been reading aloud in class. The 5th graders’ Q & A session was dominated by personal (to me), what’s it like to be a writer queries. One student even asked about my royalties, and was thrilled when I complimented him for knowing the term. Several students stayed after class, missing part of their recess, to gather around me. They gushed about how unbelievable it was that they had met a REAL PUBLISHED AUTHOR ® – a sentiment I find embarrassing/annoying when expressed by adults, but from those students, it was sweet beyond words. FGCS 5th and 6th graders, this Pretty Purple Toe Award is for you.
* * *
BELLY LAUGH OF THE WEEK
Tuesday: in my car, waiting for the left turn signal. The car in front of me had one of those stick figure family decals in the rear window, which, in general, I find annoying and rarely give a second glance to. But something about this one caught my attention.
* * *
BELLY CREEP OUT OF THE WEEK
Wednesday: Back in the damn car again, performing what used to be an almost daily chore that has evolved into a rare errand: sending a manuscript via snail mail. The nearest mailbox where I might still make the pickup time  was a couple of miles away, by a Bi-Mart store. As I pulled into the Bi-Mart parking lot a woman pushing a shopping cart with an infant seat in it crossed in front of me. Heading for the store, she walked slowly and laboriously and looked neither left nor right. She just crossed the lane of traffic.
I was ~ ten feet away from her, in no danger of hitting her as I was going quite slowly, but I was annoyed by her negligent pedestrian-ship. FFS lady, maybe you don’t care about your own life but what about the baby? Further annoying me was the fact that it was 27º outside, and I could see the infant’s bare legs sticking out from the bottom of the child seat. As my car rolled closer I could see that the woman had a vacant, slack-jawed expression on her face, one that might be explained by a mental or physical disability, and the “baby” in the baby seat was actually a (very realistic-looking) baby doll.
* * *
“It was, of course, a lie what you read about my religious convictions, a lie which is being systematically repeated. I do not believe in a personal God and I have never denied this but have expressed it clearly. If something is in me which can be called religious then it is the unbounded admiration for the structure of the world so far as our science can reveal it.”
(Einstein’s letter of 3-24-54 to a correspondent who’d asked Einstein to clarify his religious views.
(“Albert Einstein: The Human Side.”)
One of the great games in the culture wars is claiming the good and smart for your team and pushing the monsters away. Picture Christian and atheist captains in a sandlot choosing basketball teams. “Einstein, we get Einstein!” say the atheists. “No way, he used the word God!… “Oh you WISH!” ….
Albert Einstein is the three-point shooter everybody wants to draft.
(from Dale McGowan ‘s blog post, “Owning Einstein.”)
holding out for free agent status
A link I posted on my Facebook page – to Hemant Mehta’s blog post about Ron Reagan Jr. taping a PSA for an atheist organization – got me sucked into one of those discussions. A FB friend apparently took issue with the younger Reagan’s statements about reason being “the hallmark of the human species.”
FB Friend: Who says that believing in God makes one unreasonable? That is a rather objectionable statement. Most of history’s great thinkers believed in God. I believe in God and I believe im (sic) a reasonable person. You don’t believe? No prob. Its (sic) not my job to force my faith down your throat. We can get along without faith being an issue…
RP: “Most of history’s great thinkers believed in God.” Now, that is a statement of faith, not fact. 😉
FBF: Einstein believed, Newton believed, Galileo believed, Devinci (sic) did as well. its not a matter of just having faith…
MH also followed the link in my post. He read the Reagan post in its entirety, and thus was confused by FBF’s reaction. “Why did he (FBF commenter) assume the article said religious people are unreasonable, when it didn’t?” he mused.
But, no. That’s too easy. And besides, the commenter is no troll. Rather, he is a friend from high school days, and a very nice guy. So, I posted the Einstein quote that opened this section, and said I’d deal with this more extensively in this blog post. Here we are. More extensively, ho! 
Although they (of course) are not here now to speak for themselves, I’ve little doubt that many if not most of what we might call the “great thinkers” of the past were religious…at least, in their public personas. People had to make some sort of public religious profession; there were no other options.  What choice did people have, to believe or express opinions to the contrary?
Giordano Bruno was just one of many great thinkers who were tortured and murdered for expressing opinions and/or doing research that the religious/political authorities (often one in the same, in that most unholy of alliances) found threatening or blasphemous. You need not have a writer’s imagination to posit what would have happened to Galileo if he’d expressed doubts as to the existence of the Jehovah deity, when for merely making scientific (not religious) statements – backed with, hey, evidence! – he was called to Rome and tried for heresy. Galileo, well aware of the fate of Bruno and others before him, was given a “tour” of the church’s dungeons, and shown the instruments of torture that would be used on him if he did not recant his support for Copernicus’ theory . Even after he recanted the truth  Galileo was confined to his home under house arrest, where he died seven years later, not having been allowed to leave or to receive visitors.
Albert Einstein tried to fit his complex ideas into terms that might interest the lay (as in, non-science literate) population. The mis-location of Einstein to the Religious Believers’ Great Thinkers Team mostly stems from two of his public figurative comments:
(1) his public statement, reported by United Press in April 25, 1929: “I believe in Spinoza’s God, who reveals himself in the orderly harmony in being, not in God who deals with the facts and actions of men,” and
(2) his famously misinterpreted metaphor regarding nature conforming to mathematical law: “God does not play dice with the Universe.”
But in his private/personal and other correspondences, Einstein lamented the misuse of his public statements to infer religious belief on his part. He made his opinion about such matters quite clear, as in the opening quote and many others, three of which I’ll cite here.
“The word god is for me nothing more than the expression and product of human weaknesses, the Bible a collection of honorable, but still primitive legends which are nevertheless pretty childish. No interpretation no matter how subtle can (for me) change this.” 
“The idea of a personal God is quite alien to me and seems even naïve.” 
“It seems to me that the idea of a personal God is an anthropological concept which I cannot take seriously. I feel also not able to imagine some will or goal outside the human sphere. My views are near those of Spinoza: admiration for the beauty of and belief in the logical simplicity of the order which we can grasp humbly and only imperfectly. I believe that we have to content ourselves with our imperfect knowledge and understanding and treat values and moral obligations as a purely human problem—the most important of all human problems.” 
Ultimately, the numbers on anybody’s “teams” are irrelevant. The criteria for evaluating the truth of statements – even those phrased as “beliefs” – is not all that complicated. Which leads me to a brief  incursion into what seems to be a minefield for many people: the difference between facts and beliefs.
I hold many, many beliefs about many, many subjects. I believe that Meryl Streep is a great actor and that Tom Cruise is not, that Oregon Pinot Noirs are superior to California Merlots, that is more enjoyable to watch a high school varsity volleyball game than any professional golf tournament, that corn snakes make better pets than mice, that cedar-planked salmon is a tastier entrée than fried razor clams, that MH looks better with a full beard than with just a moustache, and that Elvis, Lady Gaga and the Virgin Mary do not make cameo appearances in the spots on someone’s flour tortilla.
Beliefs can be preferential, like those I listed. A preferential belief expresses your opinions about interesting but ultimately inconsequential matters. But beliefs can also express factual or cognitive claims, which call for evaluations of the truth of the propositions or assumptions behind the claims. For example, if you assert that you “believe in God,” you are also making the assumption that the god you refer to exists.
If you express a cognitive belief but make no effort to justify it, you’re merely telling me your feelings or expressing your opinion. It may be true that you believe you are the greatest fastball pitcher since Sandy Koufax. However entertaining that claim may be to your slow-pitch softball league teammates, your belief by itself has no factual value.
There is nothing admirable about a belief just because you hold it, and cognitive beliefs are not immune to criticism. Cloaking beliefs in the robe of “god” or “religion” doesn’t excuse those ideas from examination. “Believing” (aka “having faith in”) something doesn’t make an irrational claim suddenly rational, nor does it protect your belief from the test of evidence and reason – from the kind of the evaluation a thoughtful, intelligent person would normally apply to any statement of any kind, be it political, cultural, emotional….
If you want your beliefs to be taken seriously by others, you need to communicate them as something other than personal statements about what you “have faith in.” Beliefs become objective when backed up by explanations and evidence that can be analyzed. If you don’t want your beliefs to be subjected to this kind of scrutiny, then you should keep them to yourself.
I for one wouldn’t go around claiming too many of the “great thinkers” of centuries past for my team. Great minds who seemed ahead of their time in their niches of music, art, literature, philosophy and/or science may also have thought that the earth was flat, that enslaved peoples were “naturally” inferior to their enslavers, that diseases were caused by evil spirits and ill humors, etc. Even great thinkers are commonly bound by the ignorance and superstitions – and subject to the cultural and political pressures – of their times.
Down from the soapbox and up to the feel good FB posts. Truly, those are what I should be posting at this most festive time of year – a sampling of flatus classifications:
Backseater: an odiferous fart that occurs in automobiles, it is usually not very loud and can be concealed by traffic noise.
Cherry bomb: A loud, high-pitched, squeaker fart.
The Rambling Phaduka: One of the most loud and lengthy of farts, it goes on for at least 15 seconds, often leaving the farter unable to speak, as if he’s had the wind knocked out of him.
The Skillsaw: sounds like an electric skill saw ripping through a piece of plywood. It has been known to cause people to back away in terror and confusion.
TGIAF: the thank goodness I’m alone fart. You look around after producing it and say, thank goodness I’m alone. Then you get out of there, fast.
Active, reliable, sarcastic, affectionate, bipedal, cynical optimist, writer, freethinker, parent, spouse and friend, I am generous with my handy supply of ADA-approved spearmint gum and sometimes refrain from humming in public.