That (the blog title) is only partly accurate.
I do support The Oregonian, [1] but since we subscribe online only now, I rarely see any of it stories. That’s because, although I have not surveyed the websites of every newspaper in the country, I will nonetheless and confidently assert that The Oregonian has the Worst. Website. Ever.
Listen up, The Oregonian media poobah or whomever is in charge of such things: your Oregon Live website sucks. And it’s not merely because seemingly 50% of the “news” coverage is devoted to local sports national sports international sports interplanetary sports (although that does frost my butt). [2]
It’s because moiself can only see three or four (or sometimes even only two) story headline links before I am assaulted by headline after headline of advertisements for prescription meds, OTC anti-aging products, or other Things You MUST Buy Now ® to treat a plethora of conditions (real and/or manufactured/imaginary) related to aging. These ad teasers are accompanied by extreme, exaggerated, AI-generated [3] pictures of older people – not the Senior Super Models walking hand in hand along the seashore while a robust male voice talks about erectile dysfunction. These oldsters are scared, confused, cranky, incredibly (almost comically) wrinkled, and yikes, do they look unhappy.
We’re so miserable – if only there were products to help us oldsters separate our foreheads when our wrinkles get tangled up at night….
All together now: Times-are-the-worst-ever-for-newspapers-they-need-whatever-revenue-streams-they-can-get…. Yeah yeah yeah.
But, is this what they think I am? Is this what they think I, their reader, wants, and/or what concerns me? This culture is laden with negative images of aging – and therefore negative images of life, for what else is aging? These ads try to frighten/horrify/embarrass you into purchasing anti-aging products. With every monthly subscription charge I feel as if I’m paying to be insulted. I keep threatening to cancel our Oregonian subscription; when I do so, MH reminds moiself (a writer, of all people who shouldn’t need such a reminder…yeah yeah yeah) of the importance of supporting local/independent journalism. But I don’t see how “independence” fits with being dependent upon scare tactic ad revenues. And when I click on a story, thinking I am clicking *through* to a story (as in, past the ads), I get maybe three short paragraphs of the story before I have to scroll past more – sometimes six or more – ads to see if the story does in fact continue.
Just a sampling of the lovely images and copy assaulting my eyeballs:
* ALZHEIMER’S BEGINS WHEN YOU CAN’T SAY THIS WORD…
* THIS DRUGSTORE ITEM IS ALL YOU NEED TO TIGHTEN WRINKLES…
* 63-YEAR-OLD SWAPPED A $18,000 FACELIFT FOR THIS DRUGSTORE FIND…
* CARDIOLOGISTS SAY THIS ONE HABIT IS WHY SENIORS KEEP….
* CHICAGO DOCTOR WARNS: STOP USING YOUR NON-STICK PAN IF IT….
* RETIRED MAN GOT 88 SCAM CALLS…
* MEMORY LOSS HAD BEEN TIED TO THIS COMMON BREAKFAST ITEM…
“I’m so old and forgetful I can’t even remember what breakfast is.”
* * *
Department Of While We’re On The Subject
Dateline: Wednesday afternoon; in the checkout line at my favorite local grocery store. [4] As I unload my cart items I peruse the magazines in the racks to the left of the checkout belt. The cover of the current issue of Harper’s Magazine gets my attention. Translation: it makes me stifle a shriek, pick up the issue and wave it to the checker and the one person ahead of my in line. Moiself sputters indignantly as I point to the photo of an older man, which comprises almost the entire magazine cover: “I want to show you something that really gets me – not your fault, of course” (I nod at the cashier, with whom I am on a first name basis), “but, look at this?!?!
The checker and customer wrinkle their respective noses. Harpers Mag, y’all gave three technically-senior-but-definitely-not-ruling-class women some moments of umbrage and laughter…and you have also inspired me to give you an award I haven’t bestowed in some time: The Golden Turd Trophy ®.
Moiself:
“The cover story headline is, ‘How Seniors Became America’s Ruling Class.’ Did they tell the model what he was posing for? Is this even a real person, a model, or is the image AI generated or ‘enhanced’ to make him look as old and wrinkled and cranky as possible?Seniors are soon to be the largest demographic –what is Harper’s thinking? ‘Let’s show them the worst stereotype ever – that’ll get ’em to buy a copy!’
And what’s he supposed to be so angry about ( ‘Dagnabbit, everyone is younger and has smoother skin than I do!’ ). If he’s truly part of the ‘ruling class,” what’s he so upset about… This cover photo should be illustrating an article about the negative images of aging in our society….”
The checker and the other customer are both women who, like moiself, qualify for the store’s Senior discount day. [5] They each express their respective surprise and disgust re the magazine’s cover photo, and the three of us trade stories about how everyone tries to sell us “anti-aging” products. Then the other customer, a beautiful woman with black-and-silver streaked, straight, shoulder-length hair and perfect posture (I’m thinking, *she* should be on a magazine cover), laughs and says, in a melodious, lightly-accented (Italian?) voice, “It gets worse.”
Signora continues:
“I’m telling you this so you won’t be surprised. Deodorant.”
Checker, and Moiself:
“Deodorant?”
Signora:
“Deodorant, for seniors.”
Moiself:
“Seriously?”
Signora, nodding gravely:
“I saw it. Last week.”
Checker:
“What could possibly….
Moiself:
“Oh, so you don’t smell…old?!”
“You’d be cranky too if some young whippersnapper stole your senior deodorant and now you smell geezer-ripe.”
* * *
Department Of Please, Someone Else Write This Story
After recently listening to a Curiosity Weekly podcast on the gut biome, which focused on the fecal transplants that are used now in curing C. Diff. and are being explored for other uses diseases across the board ( Why are people getting poop transplants? ) a story premise dropped anchor (sorry) in a little recess of my mind.
Story premise:
A new disease, merdemortel ( aka M&M ), is threatening to wipe out humanity. M&M spreads easily and rapidly, infects *everyone* who comes within casual contact of victims, but produces no symptoms after infection for its 7-10 days of incubation, during which time the disease carriers infect everyone they come in contact with. M&M kills 87% of its hosts within two weeks of the onset of symptoms, and it does not respond to any of the conventional ( or “alternative”) drugs or treatments.
Scientists have discovered 17 people worldwide who have not contracted M&M after having verifiably been exposed to it. These 17 people have a very specific gut biome which not only makes them immune to M&M but also cures those infected if this gut biome is transplanted to M&M victims. While scientist rush to synthesize a form of this super gut biome, these 17 people are forced into being super poopers: they are secreted away to an underground, sterile holding area, fed a high fiber diet [6] where their feces are collected, processed into capsules ( aka, crapsules ) and used to treat humanity….
Calling all would-be novelists and screenwriters: this premise is yours for the taking. [7]
Everyone’s a critic.
* * *
Department Of Asking The Same Question, But For Different Reasons
Sub Department Of Still Asking The Same Questions(s), Six Years Later
( this rant originally ran 4-1-20 )
“What is wrong with people?”
The photo, which you can see here if you are so perversely inclined, was of the decapitated head of an enormous bull elk. The head rested atop a bloodied blanket in the bed of a pickup truck. The post asked for help in returning this pathetic souvenir of macho death lust trophy to the hunter who’d killed the elk:
“These antlers were stolen from a man in his 70’s who has never killed a bull this big with a bow. It was taken from his property….”
These antlers.
No mention of the rest of the animal; no mention of the head to which those antlers were attached – the head which showed the elk’s tongue protruding from its mouth, a mute testimony to the elk’s agonizing death throes; [9] no mention of concern for the remaining 600 lbs of the animal. A magnificent creature was slaughtered, not for sustenance or in self-defense, but so that some old dude could hang a part of that creature’s body on his wall as a testimony to the fact that he’d previously “never killed a bull this big.”
What is wrong with people?
As posed by the FB poster(s), the question speculates as to what kind of person would steal an elderly hunter’s booty. As posed by moiself, the question wonders what kind of person of any age enjoys killing any creature for “sport.”
* * *
And One More Thing [10]
If you consider trophy hunting to be a legitimate sport, I obviously disagree with your assessment, although I respect our difference of opinion on this matter.
And by I respect our difference of opinion on this matter I sincerely mean,
Go fuck yourself.
* * *
Freethinkers’ Thought Of The Week [11]
“My hunter buddy tells me, ‘Don’t worry, when I hunt I use every part of the animal.’
You know who also uses every part of the animal? THE ANIMAL.”
–Deepak Sethi, writer/comedian
* * *
May you be free from any affliction which is cured by ingesting crapsules;
May you (still) support your local independent newspapers;
May you never hear from me that
I respect our difference of opinion on this matter;
…and may the hijinks ensue.
Thanks for stopping by. Au Vendredi!
* * *
[1] And a few other “local” newspapers
[2] But, come the Olympic Games, my butt is defrosted and glued to the comfy chair in front of the tv.
[3] Moiself is assuming.
[5] Which, in another nod to aging hassles, the store changed to, “wisdom discount day,” as per complaints of a few customers who didn’t like being asked about their age and/or assuming they qualified to be…gasp…seniors).
[6] Specifically formulated to increase their gut biome production without altering its microbial composition.
[7] But have some self-respect and give attribution, please.
[8] Rather than wimpy, anti-hunting target shooters like moiself.
[9] Death by arrow is not instantaneous, not matter how expert the marksman.
[10] There should be at least one more footnote.
[11] “free-think-er n. A person who forms opinions about religion on the basis of reason, independently of tradition, authority, or established belief. Freethinkers include atheists, agnostics and rationalists. No one can be a freethinker who demands conformity to a bible, creed, or messiah. To the freethinker, revelation and faith are invalid, and orthodoxy is no guarantee of truth.” Definition courtesy of the Freedom From Religion Foundation, ffrf.org
