Department Of Consider Yourself Warned
Moiself has been in a reflective mood; which should not be surprising. According to a study I just made up, everybody knows that within three days of a holiday referencing the Irish, a writer’s brain is capable of little output which does not involve humorous anecdotes of family and friends and kneecapping British soldiers and scatological puns and Chuck Norris “facts” (psst – this is what is known as foreshadowing ).
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Happy Belated St. Patrick’s Day
This – a belated SPD-related memory – is from 3-18-16, when daughter Belle was in college ( The Common Ground I’m Not Seeking ):
Department Of Parents Are Never Too Old To Go Apeshit
Over Reminders of Childhood Cuteness
It has been a week of many celebrations, both national and personal. Belle is home for Spring Break. Pi day. The Ides of March. That Irish-American Thing. [1] Many if not all of these festive days call for special feasts. I asked Belle if there was any special dinner she’d like, in honor of…whatever. While she was pondering her options, MH showed me a list Belle had made, quite a long time ago. He found it written on a (unfortunately, undated) notepad he discovered as he was going through old papers in the attic:
I told Belle all she had to do was say the word and we would endeavor to come up with a speshl desert and froot salid…and lots of Yum.
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Department Of No, Wait – That’s A Lie.
Regular Programming Continues To Be Disrupted.
Department Of Even-Ing It Up [2]
After sharing a blog-posted memory involving my daughter, it’s time for one involving my son. During one glorious phase in his life [3] son K was notorious (within our family) for getting moiself helpless with laughter by telling me Chuck Norris puns and memes. Moiself shared this memory on 1-14-22 ( The S-Words I’m Not Mispronouncing ):
Punz For The Day: Scat Edition
Did you hear about the monkey who was arrested for throwing its feces at zoo patrons?
The monkey was charged with turd debris assault.
Why did Packy the elephant [4] bring toilet paper to the zebra’s birthday bash?
Because Packy was a party pooper.
Remember, dog owners, when you walk the dog you have to pick up its poop.
It’s your doo diligence.
Why is Chuck Norris’s dog trained to pick up its own poop?
Because Chuck Norris doesn’t take shit from anyone.
Chuck Norris doesn’t flush the toilet.
He scares the shit out of it.
Yeah, I know, scat is typically used to denote animal feces. But I’ve heard that making at least one Chuck Norris Joke ® – aka, reciting a Chuck Norris “fact” – at the beginning of the year is a guarantee of good fortune in the weeks to come. [5]
Department Of The Bonus Round Of You-Know-Who Jokes
(Happy New Year to son K, who once brought me to helpless tears of stomach-cramping, snotty-nosed laughter when he loaned me his Chuck Norris Factbook to read while we were seated in a booth in a restaurant, waiting for our lunch to arrive).
* Chuck Norris doesn’t read books.
He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
* The flu gets a Chuck Norris shot every year.
* When Chuck Norris plays dodgeball, the balls dodge him.
* Chuck Norris doesn’t worry about high gas prices. His vehicles run on fear.
* The Dead Sea was alive before Chuck Norris swam there.
* When Chuck Norris was born, he drove his mom home from the hospital.
* There is no theory of evolution, just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.
* Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.
* There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.
* MC Hammer learned the hard way that Chuck Norris can touch this.
* Chuck Norris has been to Mars. That’s why there are no signs of life there.
* Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.
* If Chuck Norris traveled to an alternate dimension in which there was another
Chuck Norris and they both fought, they would both win.
* Chuck Norris’ farts smell like freshly baked cinnamon rolls.
Okay; I gotta get control here. Seriously; somebody stop me; this could go on forever.
* Chuck Norris counted to infinity — twice.
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Department Of This Time It’s True
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Department Of Don’t Ask Questions
(But Do Ask Your Doctor For Drugs…Just, Any Drugs)
Dateline: last Tuesday; 9:25 pm-ish; sitting in The TV Chair®…although not watching whatever show was on TV that MH had left on while he went to load the dishwasher. I was about to check something on my phone….
…when moiself heard a TV advertisement. The ad caught my attention with its opening question, which I found rivetingly nonsensical:
Are you ready for Vivaldi? [6]
Uh…golly gee…I…don’t know. How *would* I know? What the heck is Vivaldi?
The advertisement continued with what’s become the standard prescription meds come-on, encouraging viewers to ask their doctors about whether or not they could benefit from using this prescription medication…. But, for what? Why would you take this medication? There’s gotta be a reason, right? For no other reason than you fall into the category of, Hmmm, I’m currently not taking any prescription medications and all my friends and family are and I feel kinda left out….? I kept waiting, but:
There. Was. No. Mention. Of. What. That. Drug. Would. Be. Used. For.
Really.
Nevertheless, you’ve been advised. Call your primary care provider, now.
Patient:
“Doctor, am I ready for Vivaldi?”
Doctor:
“What makes you ask? What are your symptoms, or health concerns?”
Patient:
“None at the moment; I’m fit as a fiddle. Still, could I benefit from taking Vivaldi?
Maybe, like, if I bought stock in the company?”
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Freethinkers’ Thought Of The Week [7]
If life has no meaning for someone unless they pretend to know something they don’t know, then I would strongly and sincerely urge extensive therapy and counseling. This is particularly true if feelings of meaninglessness and lack of purpose lead to depression, which is a serious illness. Absent a mental disorder, or head trauma, there is no reason an adult should feel life is meaningless without maintaining some sort of delusion.
( Dr. Peter Boghossian, American writer, philosopher, professor )
Or, maybe that Someone should ask their doctor about Vivaldi.
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May you remember to even it up;
May your loved ones serve you speshl desert and froot salid and yum;
May you not ask your doctor, any doctor, about TV advertised drugs;
…and may the hijinks ensue.
Thanks for stopping by. Au Vendredi!
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[1] On March 17 real Irish people in Ireland apparently do not affix paper shamrocks on their foreheads, don Kiss Me I’m Irish underpants and drink until they vomit green beer on their faux Leprechaun shoes and call it a celebration of their heritage.
[2] A phrase of my father’s, used for when he had done something for one of his four children who had a particular need, and then found a way to “even it up” by doing something for the other three.
[3] Which is presently dormant but which I’m certain could be resurrected at a moment’s notice….
[4] Explanation for non-Oregonians: Packy the elephant (1962-2017) was an Asian elephant born who was and lived his life at the Portland’s Oregon Zoo. Famous for, among other attributes, being the first elephant born in the Western Hemisphere for five decades , growing to be among the tallest of Asian elephants in the world, siring seven calves, and being beloved by zoo staff and visitors, having a quirk about hats…. ( I wrote about that here, in The Elephant I’m Not Freeing ).
[5] That is something I just made up. But it makes as much sense as any of the “Doing _____ will guarantee good luck in the new year!” prescriptions I’ve ever heard.
[6] Not the product’s real name.
[7] “free-think-er n. A person who forms opinions about religion on the basis of reason, independently of tradition, authority, or established belief. Freethinkers include atheists, agnostics and rationalists. No one can be a freethinker who demands conformity to a bible, creed, or messiah. To the freethinker, revelation and faith are invalid, and orthodoxy is no guarantee of truth.” Definition courtesy of the Freedom From Religion Foundation, ffrf.org
