The Blog I'm Not Writing

Department Of Another Spot-on Neologism

Mankeeping.

 

Actually, Mr. Bean, you probably don’t.

Mankeeping may sound funny, or, if you’re a socially-and-politically-conservative-inclined man you might feel a twinge of, Why they do keep picking on us?!?!

Except that it’s not nit-picking, or even picking.  The term describes a real problem.

Republicans and religious/cultural conservatives and their women-should-be-breeders-not-leaders  allies decry the USA’s falling fertility rates.  They wonder aloud why younger women in particular are avoiding marriage and children; they – surprise! – don’t see/won’t acknowledge the reasons that are literally staring them in the face (or ghosting them online)…because, you know, men figuring out the reasons for social/cultural/romance-and-family-related trends?

 

 

Y’all seen any of these headlines/read any of these articles lately?  Perhaps moiself  should alter my intro:  lately.  Because the thing is, although it’s new to media attention, this is not a lately phenomenon.  This is something I’ve heard/read about from women of all ages (now, younger women  [1]  in particular), for years.  Somebody finally named it.

” Why Women Are Weary of the Emotional Labor of ‘Mankeeping.’
As male social circles shrink, female partners say they have to meet more social and emotional needs.” ( The New York Times )

* ” Mankeeping is ruining dating for women who are tired of relationship burnout:
‘I’m not your therapist’.”   ( NY Post )

*  “Some women are reportedly opting out of dating or ending relationships due to
the exhaustion and frustration associated with Mankeeping.”

 *  Mankeeping: Why single women are giving up dating. ( The Guardian ) 

Mankeeping is a first cousin to the term kinkeeping, which describes how when women marry they are essentially delegated the role of Emotional Connections Manager ® within and between families – their own family of origin, sure, but also their husbands’.  This is for-most-part-invisible labor that women do in their romantic relationships with men.  This highly unequal distribution of labor – wherein women are expected to carry a disproportionate share of the emotional and social burden in heterosexual relationships – has been going on for decades.  But studies show that it is increasing…and younger women are noticing the dynamic, and going on labor strike.

 

 

Two of the best encapsulation of the problem:

“This trend isn’t about losing interest in love; it’s about women walking away from the role of unpaid emotional caregivers….
Think of it as emotional housekeeping:  women are acting as therapists, mood managers, event planners, and emotional sounding boards, all while rarely receiving the same support in return.
( from ” What is ‘Mankeeping’, the latest (sic) trend that’s making women quit dating,”  Times of India  )

“Researchers at Stanford have finally given a name to something many women have been dealing with for years. It’s called mankeeping. And it’s helping explain why so many women are stepping away from dating altogether….
Mankeeping describes the emotional labor women end up doing in heterosexual relationships. It goes beyond remembering birthdays or coordinating social plans. It means being your partner’s one-man support system. Managing his stress. Interpreting his moods. Holding his hand through feelings he won’t share with anyone else. All of it unpaid, unacknowledged, and often unreciprocated.
The root of the issue is tied to what experts are calling the male loneliness epidemic. As more men report having fewer close friendships, romantic partners are expected to pick up the slack. Instead of processing with friends, many men offload everything onto the woman they’re dating. She becomes his entire emotional infrastructure.”
( Excerpts, my emphases,
“Mankeeping is why women are done with dating.” “Vice )

Our social connections with fellow human beings are crucial indicators of our overall mental and physical well-being.  There is a vital link between social bonds/friendship and mental and physical health.  Whether the blame is technology/screen addiction, career priorities, increased geographic mobility or whatever, the fact that men’s social circles are shrinking and men are struggling to form close kinship bonds is a growing and well-documented issue.    [2] 

And then there’s this:

 

 

*   *   *

Department Of All The Life Advice You Need In 117 Pages
(Plus Illustrations)

That may be found in Tim Minchin’s You Don’t Have To Have A Dream, and other life lessons.  Although, as per the previous topic, I don’t think Minchin offers a direct solution to mankeeping, he’s the kind of man who would notice the problem and neither pooh-pooh its existence nor delegate the solution to the women in his life.

I think I’ll just keep reading this book, over and over.  It is – well, Minchin’s website does such a good job of describing it I tossed the summary I was writing and cribbed theirs:

“…a beautifully idiosyncratic celebration of life, art, success, love, and thriving in a meaningless universe, drawn from three iconic speeches from Tim Minchin… his most beloved university commencement addresses, which have amassed over 100 million views online…it is a rallying cry for creativity, critical thinking, and compassion in our daily lives.”

 

 

I adore Minchin’s work.  Minchin, an Australian, writes that the thing he is best in the world at is “…being a science-obsessed uber-rhymey polemicist pianist singer-satirist wanker.”  He’s one of those damn, much-more-creative-than-you’ll-ever-be polymaths:  musician, singer, composer, author, actor.  See him perform live if and whenever you can; if not, or in addition to that, read the book.  His take on the have a dream/follow your passion trope, which has always seemed ludicrous/first-world-privileged nonsense/insulting-and-missing-the-point  to moiself, is pithily and wittily spot-on.  Here’s a couple of teasers, from his humorous and heartfelt Nine Life Lessons commencement address to the University of Western Australia, 2013 ( you can listen to the speech here ):

 

 

“Americans on talent shows always talk about their dreams.  Fine, if you have something that you’ve always dreamed of, like in your heart, go for it!  After all, it’s something to do with your time…chasing a dream.  And if it’s a big enough one, it’ll take you most of your life to achieve, so by the time you get to it and are staring into the abyss of the meaninglessness of our achievement you’ll be almost dead, so it won’t matter.
I never really had one of these big dreams.  I advocate passionate dedication to the pursuit of short-term goals.  Be micro-ambitious.  Put your head down and work with pride on whatever is in front of you…You never know where you might end up.  Just be aware that the next worthy pursuit will probably appear in your periphery.  Which is why you should be careful of long-term dreams.  If you focus too far in front of you, you won’t see the shiny thing out the corner of your eye.”

“A valuable idea is usually one that has been carefully considered.  Our feelings are not virtuous purely by virtue of how keenly we feel them.  Take time to hone your opinions, then take pride in how you express them.”

 

 

 

*   *   *

Department Of Religious Folks Frustrated
By And With Their Fellow Religious Folks

I hear, I read, about the righteous (ahem) anger and frustration of Christians who believe that the message of their faith is being ignored or warped or hijacked by The Cheetos Satan   [3] and his minions. These frustrated believers cite scriptures which indicate that the actions of far-right Christians either ignore or contradict what Jesus taught and instructed his followers to do.  I’m sure moiself  has even shared some of those posts.

The thing is, I think they’re wrong.  Their religion is not being hijacked.  Their religion is doing what it –  what any religion –  has always done: illustrate the dangers of religion.

Throughout Christianity’s history its adherents have argued, split into factions and denominations, shunned and oppressed and harassed and derided and killed other adherents over interpretations of what Christians are supposed to be doing and what they are supposed to believe in, and what are the justifications for these actions and beliefs. The same religion that, according to the adherents, spurs them toward “good works” also spurs their fellow believers toward discrimination of all kinds: sexism and racism and all of the anti-other-isms.  All this is done in the name of what their god supposedly wants or doesn’t want, what their deity forbids or prescribes. Anything can and is justified via the quoting of ancient texts.

 

Of course, y’all can have similar results with any application of any extremist ideology. But with religion, you have the added inducement ( meaning, no other choice, for some believers) of appealing to what a supposed all-powerful deity wants you to do, with the added impetus of punishment or reward, both in the here-and-now and in some future life/afterlife.  Here’s just one of 12,967 (estimated) examples:

Tell some poor tenant farmers that there are opportunities for them if they undertake a monumental task:

“Land – free land, as a matter of fact!  You will be your own man, no longer beholden to the landlord.  And yeah, so, the land is currently, er, somewhat…occupied.  But you can – and should, as a loyal, god-fearin’ American – just go there and take it. It’s gonna be good for both you and for your country…”

Ummm…yeah?  That sounds sketchy, not to mention dangerous. No thanks.

But promote the same actions with the holy cause of Manifest Destiny – and it’s,  Praise de Lawd and which way to the Oregon Trail!?

 

 

“… expansion represented ‘the fulfillment of our manifest destiny to overspread the continent allotted by Providence for the free development of our yearly multiplying millions.’…

‘Manifest Destiny’…claimed that America had a destiny manifest, i.e., self-evident, from God to occupy the North American continent….

But Manifest Destiny was not simply a cloak for American imperialism and a justification for America’s territorial ambitions. It also was firmly anchored in a…belief that ‘America is a nation called to a special destiny by God.’ ”
( “The Religious Origins of Manifest Destiny,”
National Humanities Center, Religion in American History )

” Advocates (of Manifest Destiny) drew parallels between America’s territorial expansion and biblical narratives, using key scriptures to legitimize national destiny, territorial conquest, and cultural superiority.

Supporters frequently cited the Abrahamic Covenant (Genesis 12:1-3), interpreting America’s westward expansion as analogous to the Israelites’ divine mandate to occupy the Promised Land. Genesis provided a framework to suggest Americans were God’s chosen people, destined for territorial growth. Similarly, Deuteronomy 1:8 (‘See, I have given you this land. Go in and take possession…’) further validated claims of divine entitlement, reinforcing moral justification for displacement and colonization.

The theme of dominion and stewardship (Genesis 1:28) was another critical justification, encouraging Americans to ‘subdue’ the land…. Manifest Destiny also positioned America as uniquely chosen to propagate democracy, liberty, and Christianity, rooted in biblical passages like Matthew 5:14-16 (‘You are the light of the world…’) and Acts 13:47 (‘I have made you a light for the Gentiles…’). These scriptures reinforced America’s self-perception as a divinely sanctioned nation tasked with civilizing and evangelizing indigenous and other non-European peoples. ”
( “The Biblical Basis for Manifest Destiny, ” The Times of Israel blog )

If your god wants you to have a certain parcel of land, what other justification do you need for your occupation of it (or resistance, if you become the ones occupied)?  And such religious motivations and justifications are not pre-twentieth century relics – they are still as relevant as ever in the 21st-century.  Israel meet Gaza; pot meet kettle.

 

 

 

Don’t get me wrong; I’m glad that the more liberal, kinder, gentler, peacemaking Christians exist (even as I wish they would act more forcefully to counter their conservative & Fundy brethren’s rhetoric and actions).  But they’re fighting a never-ending battle against history, against the very nature of religion, by using religious precepts to try and mold the hearts and minds of their fellow believers (or at least those who use the language and trappings of their religion to promote their social and political agenda).  [4]

And what do we on the religion-free ( and hopefully, extremist ideology-free ) side use for our motivation?  Humanism.  As in, our humanity.  As in, realizing that every human being has something in common that transcends gender and worldview and religion and ethnic origin and all other other-nesses:  we are the same species.

We humanists/skeptics/Freethinkers/atheists know that people must care for and look out for one another; we do not outsource our motivations for doing so.  I don’t have to hate you – or love you – because you hold a different or the same worldview.  We know that acts of good, or “evil,” or the ultimate evil (indifference) are done by ourselves and for ourselves; there are no deities to command or absolve us, no devils to blame or tempt us.

 

 

*   *   *

Freethinkers’ Thought Of The Week     [5]

“Like a good student of post-modernism, I think culture is ALL narrative: we are built of the stories we choose to tell about ourselves.  And yet, like a good student of science, I don’t think we need these narratives to rob from reality.  I don’t think stories that require people to fool themselves serve us so well in the long run.  At the root of my atheism – and my writing style – is a natural tendency to try to beautify ugly truths rather than swallow beautiful lies.”  [6]

( Tim Minchin, introduction to his graduation speech,
“You’ve Always Wanted To Be An Actor,”
You Don’t Have To Have A Dream, p. 87 )

 

*   *   *

May you think carefully about the stories
you choose to tell about yourself;
May you never delegate your emotional housekeeping to someone else;
May you-who-are-too-young-to-remember-him Google Flip Wilson
and Geraldine “The devil made me buy this dress” Jones;

…and may the hijinks ensue.   [7]

Thanks for stopping by.  Au Vendredi!

*   *   *

[1] Meaning:  any women younger than moiself.

[2] In a 2021 survey, 15 percent of men said they didn’t have any close friends, up from 3 percent in 1990. In 1990, nearly half of young men said they would reach out to friends when facing a personal issue; three decades later, just over 20 percent said the same.  (NY Times )

[3] See next week’s post for more spot-on decriptives for #47.

[4] Which is what is said about any fellow believers with whom you stridently disagree:  “They are not *true* Christians; they misunderstand the *true* meaning of____”

[5] “free-think-er n. A person who forms opinions about religion on the basis of reason, independently of tradition, authority, or established belief. Freethinkers include atheists, agnostics and rationalists.   No one can be a freethinker who demands conformity to a bible, creed, or messiah. To the freethinker, revelation and faith are invalid, and orthodoxy is no guarantee of truth.”  Definition courtesy of the Freedom From Religion Foundation, ffrf.org

[6] This would be the last footnote, except that it isn’t.

[7] This is the last footnote.  So noted.