Department Of Sometimes The Blog Just Writes Itself
Dateline: 3-14 (Pi day).
First thing in the morning, moiself receives this email (my emphases):
Hi Robyn! My name is Raine [1]
and I’m an Executive Assistant from Craniumz Magazine. [2]
I came across your profile and find what you do both inspiring and in line with our topics and audience.
Excusez-moi for this diversion…I just can’t help but pause for a bullshit snort. What I do is so not in line with their “topics and audience.”
Back to the email:
We’re currently sourcing entrepreneurs for the opportunity to be registered as potential guest writers for free publicity opportunities, or to invite them as contributors for Craniumz Magazine. We’re also looking for inspiring coaches, leaders, and entrepreneurs who could be featured on The Craniumz Global Award List 2022 – a global list that will be released in June, and has featured names like Oprah Winfrey, Robin Sharma and Marisa Peer, to name a few.
Is any of this something you would be interested in being considered for?
Best regards, Raine Latte
OMG, my chance to have my name be somehow associated with Oprah’s!! And two WTF people I know nothing about! I, of course, will drop everything, including common sense and any vestige of self-respect, to be exploited by have the honor of working with the Craniumz people who, according to their website, are a
“…Global Media Brand operated by ____ [3], a branding and digital media brand, with a focus on interviews, articles and information about business, mindset, innovation, leadership and lifestyles.”,
Holy bald-faced and obsequious ignorance. Indeed, if Ms. Raine came across my profile, she evidently didn’t follow it to/bother to check out my blog, which would clue her in as to how little I think of the concept of branding.
Nevertheless, moiself could not pass up the (FREE) opportunity to respond:
Hello Raine,
What is the compensation for guest writers
and/or contributors to Craniumz Magazine?
And if you came across my profile,
did you note that I am primarily a writer of fiction?
Curiously,
Robyn Parnell
The reply:
Hi
Great to hear from you. My first email serves as an invitation for you to be one of our potential Guest Writers.
Our Guest Writers get FREE access to opportunities that we have in the group such as free articles, podcast hosting, interviews and a chance to be on the list of awards – Craniumz 500 Global List & Global Award. Guest writers are encouraged to participate in the opportunities posted every week for them to get selected for free publicity. They may also opt to submit their proposed topic, quote or article through content@brainzmagazine.com. If the Content Team find it interesting and matched the theme for the month, they will surely approach you for information.
Hope this helps. Best regards, Raine
I couldn’t just leave it at that:
Hi yourself.
Congratulations on your outstanding job of not answering my questions.
Since the proverbial picture paints a thousand (FREE) words,
I’ll express my opinion on this matter via the pictorial presentation of the artist/writer known as The Oatmeal: [4]
* * *
Department Of How To Spot A Bot
I did not expect a response to the obvious disinterest – and inherent if not overt dis – contained in my last reply. Yet the artist formerly known as Bot program pretending to be a human called Raine sent me one more oblivious/form reply:
“I’m happy to hear you’re interested!
If you have a spare minute now, it would be great if you could fill in your information in our contributor form, so that ____ [5] can review your details for the publicity opportunities. It’s just a couple of quick questions….
Once your information has been reviewed, you’ll receive an email within 24 hours with the headline ‘Publicity in Craniumz Magazine’ with instructions and information about the opportunities. (This email sometimes ends up in the spam folder, so don’t forget to check it’s not hiding in there!) 🙂
Just let me know when you’ve submitted, and I’ll try to speed up the process.
Looking forward to hopefully seeing more from you, as I think you would make a great addition to the Craniumz community! “
Except that, someone did.
* * *
Department Of St. Patrick’s Day Party Deferred
Dateline: Tuesday 3-17-20. At 6 pm the dinner party, with ten people total, [6] had been scheduled to commence. Anyone remember what else happened in mid-March,2020?
“I’ll take pandemics for $1000, Alex.”
I left the dining table as it was set – including moiself’s lavish centerpiece (a very large – we’re talking four pounds – potato sporting a green crown) – for many months after, in hope, or defiance? Come Autumn, when This Thing Looks Like It’s Going To Stick Around ® began to settle in my brain, I put away the plates and the cutlery, the napkins and the décor. The centerpiece, by then, had begun to mutate, much like the virus which caused its dethronement.
She took away my crown, so I’m growing my own.
If I were to throw a party now, it would be one to celebrate the foreign troops’ withdrawal from Ukraine. But seeing as how that Tin of Poo in charge of the Russian kleptocracy has an ego as large and skin as thin as those of our own #45…well, odds are he’s not going to leave quietly, ya know?
Moiself is not hopeful for either a quick or peaceful resolution to the mess the Russians have made in the Ukraine. I dread what Putin’s nose-thumbing, ass-licking, face-saving strategies could ultimately entail. But in my dreams, all things are possible:
“Oops, my bad! We’re leaving now.”
In the meantime, in an action about as effective in the long (or short) run as saying to the Ukrainians, “I’ll pray for you,” I’ve done the bare minimum to keep up the consciousness in my ‘hood.
And I hope readers, if you haven’t done so already, will join me in checking Charity Navigator [7] for an above-board relief organization to aid the Ukrainians, and make a contribution. CN currently lists thirty-five organizations funneling relief aid to “The Ukrainian-Russian Crisis.” The organizations are grouped under the following headings: Medical Services; Medical Supplies; Non-Medical Supplies; Water, Sanitation, and Hygiene (WASH); Emergency Housing Long-Term Assistance; Other (inc. cash/cash vouchers, logistic supply, animals). [8]
* * *
* * *
Department Of Nostalgia: Recalling My First Instruction In Deductive Reasoning
♫ Beans, Beans, the musical fruit
The more you eat; the more you toot
The more you toot, the better you feel
So let’s have beans for every meal! ♫
* * *
Punz For The Day
Musical Fruit Edition
Why did everyone notice when Bill Gates farted in the Apple store?
Because the store didn’t have any Windows.
I didn’t pass gas in front of my husband until we got married.
His family wasn’t impressed.
Life is so unfair – I just called the Flatulence Incontinence Hotline,
and the woman who answered said, “Can you hold, please?”
Why doesn’t Chuck Norris fart?
Because nothing escapes Chuck Norris.
When a clown farts, does it smell funny?
Clowns are NOT funny.
* * *
May you be entertained by bogus offers to link your name with Oprah’s;
May you appreciate your first lesson in deductive reasoning;
May you accept my belated slainté on behalf of March 17;
…and may the hijinks ensue.
Thanks for stopping by. Au Vendredi!
* * *
[1] A real person, according to the magazines website staff listing, (I checked), but not her real name…although I have a feeling she is a bot/creation.
[2] A supposedly real magazine (I checked), but not its real title.
[3] Some parent company headquartered in Sweden.
[4] The incomparable Matthew Inman. Who, I imagine, would also not be impressed to be on a “global awards” list that may have once had Oprah’s name on it.
[5] Another ostensibly real person’s name, but likely not a Real Person ® .
[6] Including MH and I and son K.
[7] Charity Navigator is the world’s largest and probably best-known “nonprofit evaluator.” Itself a non-profit, CN analyses the integrity of a non-profit organization in financial terms, focusing on how much of contributed funds are used for the purpose(s) claimed by the charity, with an emphasis on the cost effectiveness (or impact) of the charity, its financial stability, adherence to best practices for accountability and transparency, and results reporting.
[8] Moiself chose International Relief Teams, which has a “100%” rating from CN.
